BRITNEY SPEARS SINKS TO NEW LOW... AND GOES RIGHT TO THE TOP

So you're an ambitious but barely-talented singer with a voice that gets annoying in large doses. You got away with being cute and playfully naughty early in your career, but your protestations that you were preserving your virginity like a good Christian Southern girl should went up in smoke when your Lotharian ex-boyfriend (who also is a singer with an annoying voice) blew the whistle.

Faced with the fact that there are other pretty singers on the scene popping up regularly, what can you do to stay relevant?

Obvious answer: You act like a you're a whore on stage and in your videos. Stuff like cooing squeaking your uncontrollable desire for some guy while wearing almost nothing and carrying a snake around (get it?). You lock lips with a 40-something woman on national television who is already known worldwide as a whore. Then on your next CD you include a song about pleasuring yourself, even though that's been done before by more accomplished songstresses.

But what if that gets old, you get older, and the talented (some more than others) youngsters keep coming to steal what you believe is rightfully your thunder?

You act like a whore in real life, too -- going out to clubs while your (second) ex-husband cares for your two young children, being very careful to be seen getting out of automobiles wearing a miniskirt and nothing underneath. Soon enough, there is a minimum five-figure bounty on pics of you in states of undress, and breathless paparazzi follow you around as if they were pigeons and you were a leaking bag of bird seed. You capitalize on that by releasing a collection of songs about your hyperdriven notoriety as if this wasn't what you should have known you were cultivating all along.

But now, there's another girl who has become the belle of the ball; not only is she another good Southern girl, she actually cut a Christian pop CD that barely sold any copies. She took a page out of your book, sluttied up her image, changed her last name and became a heroine to teen girls experimenting with lesbianism.

And she is a better singer than you are. She needs just a little bit of computerized sweetening -- she doesn't have to sound like an android to hit the right notes like you do.

What are you going to do to stay on top?

Apparently, this. From Billboard.com:

Britney Spears is making the most of her sex symbol status, again. This morning (Sept. 29), the one-time Disney Channel child star whose personal life has at times eclipsed her musical output ["at times??"-LNS], premiered "3," a new single about the pleasures of polyamory, on New York radio station Z-100. The song goes to radio everywhere today and is part of "Britney Spears The Singles Collection," a hits compilation due Nov. 24 on Jive.

Produced by Swedish hitmaker Max Martin (Katy Perry, Kelly Clarkson), "3" finds Spears singing about the racy subject of a ménage a trios (sic) with her signature coy delivery. "Three is a charm, two is not the same," Spears coos seductively on the verse. "I don't see the harm, so are you game?"

Here are some more of the lyrics:

Merrier the more
Triple fun that way
Twister on the floor
What do you ... say?

Are ... you in
Livin' in sin is the new thing (yeah)
Are ... you in
I-I-I-I am countin'!

(Chorus)
1, 2, 3
Not only you and me
Got one eighty degrees
And I'm caught in between

1, 2, 3
Peter, Paul & Mary
Gettin' down with 3P
Everybody loves [edited]

(snip)

Three is a charm
Two is not the same
I don't see the harm
So are you ... game?

Lets' make a team
Make 'em say my name
Lovin' the extreme
Now are you ... game?

(snip)

What we do is innocent
Just for fun and nothin' meant
If you don't like the company
Let's just do it you and me
You and me...
Or three....
Or four....
- On the floor!

Yeah, that's the stuff. Never mind pussyfooting around with smooching girls while boozing. No silly games of strip poker. You're going for a threesome, and maybe even a foursome! Let's see the newbies top THAT!

Never mind that it's likely that kind of activity (by you and others around you) that has made your life a shambles when you're off stage. You know, your "real" life. The one in which you treated marriage like it was meaningless, made a foolish decision about whom you chose to father your children, which you almost lost due to your literally insane behavior.

Never mind that you're promoting promiscuity as innocent fun. It's not like it hasn't been done before, and besides, you're not responsible for the influence you wield on your devoted fans.

Keep telling yourself that. I mean, it's not like you were influenced by Madonna, or something.

But seriously, can the strategy work? Is making a hit record really as easy as being really, really, really easy?
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Looks like it.

"3" has entered Billboard magazine's Hot 100 on top of the chart, making it the first recording NOT featuring an American Idol finalist to achieve #1 in its first week since 1998 ("Doo Wop (That Thing)" by Lauryn Hill, whose CD The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill swept the Grammy Awards).

All this despite the fact that "3" is a crappy record. Even for you.

God only knows what the video will look like.

P.S. to Chris Crocker: No, I won't. Deal with it.

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