BRITNEY SPEARS SINKS TO NEW LOW... AND GOES RIGHT TO THE TOP

So you're an ambitious but barely-talented singer with a voice that gets annoying in large doses. You got away with being cute and playfully naughty early in your career, but your protestations that you were preserving your virginity like a good Christian Southern girl should went up in smoke when your Lotharian ex-boyfriend (who also is a singer with an annoying voice) blew the whistle.

Faced with the fact that there are other pretty singers on the scene popping up regularly, what can you do to stay relevant?

Obvious answer: You act like a you're a whore on stage and in your videos. Stuff like cooing squeaking your uncontrollable desire for some guy while wearing almost nothing and carrying a snake around (get it?). You lock lips with a 40-something woman on national television who is already known worldwide as a whore. Then on your next CD you include a song about pleasuring yourself, even though that's been done before by more accomplished songstresses.

But what if that gets old, you get older, and the talented (some more than others) youngsters keep coming to steal what you believe is rightfully your thunder?

You act like a whore in real life, too -- going out to clubs while your (second) ex-husband cares for your two young children, being very careful to be seen getting out of automobiles wearing a miniskirt and nothing underneath. Soon enough, there is a minimum five-figure bounty on pics of you in states of undress, and breathless paparazzi follow you around as if they were pigeons and you were a leaking bag of bird seed. You capitalize on that by releasing a collection of songs about your hyperdriven notoriety as if this wasn't what you should have known you were cultivating all along.

But now, there's another girl who has become the belle of the ball; not only is she another good Southern girl, she actually cut a Christian pop CD that barely sold any copies. She took a page out of your book, sluttied up her image, changed her last name and became a heroine to teen girls experimenting with lesbianism.

And she is a better singer than you are. She needs just a little bit of computerized sweetening -- she doesn't have to sound like an android to hit the right notes like you do.

What are you going to do to stay on top?

Apparently, this. From Billboard.com:

Britney Spears is making the most of her sex symbol status, again. This morning (Sept. 29), the one-time Disney Channel child star whose personal life has at times eclipsed her musical output ["at times??"-LNS], premiered "3," a new single about the pleasures of polyamory, on New York radio station Z-100. The song goes to radio everywhere today and is part of "Britney Spears The Singles Collection," a hits compilation due Nov. 24 on Jive.

Produced by Swedish hitmaker Max Martin (Katy Perry, Kelly Clarkson), "3" finds Spears singing about the racy subject of a ménage a trios (sic) with her signature coy delivery. "Three is a charm, two is not the same," Spears coos seductively on the verse. "I don't see the harm, so are you game?"

Here are some more of the lyrics:

Merrier the more
Triple fun that way
Twister on the floor
What do you ... say?

Are ... you in
Livin' in sin is the new thing (yeah)
Are ... you in
I-I-I-I am countin'!

(Chorus)
1, 2, 3
Not only you and me
Got one eighty degrees
And I'm caught in between

1, 2, 3
Peter, Paul & Mary
Gettin' down with 3P
Everybody loves [edited]

(snip)

Three is a charm
Two is not the same
I don't see the harm
So are you ... game?

Lets' make a team
Make 'em say my name
Lovin' the extreme
Now are you ... game?

(snip)

What we do is innocent
Just for fun and nothin' meant
If you don't like the company
Let's just do it you and me
You and me...
Or three....
Or four....
- On the floor!

Yeah, that's the stuff. Never mind pussyfooting around with smooching girls while boozing. No silly games of strip poker. You're going for a threesome, and maybe even a foursome! Let's see the newbies top THAT!

Never mind that it's likely that kind of activity (by you and others around you) that has made your life a shambles when you're off stage. You know, your "real" life. The one in which you treated marriage like it was meaningless, made a foolish decision about whom you chose to father your children, which you almost lost due to your literally insane behavior.

Never mind that you're promoting promiscuity as innocent fun. It's not like it hasn't been done before, and besides, you're not responsible for the influence you wield on your devoted fans.

Keep telling yourself that. I mean, it's not like you were influenced by Madonna, or something.

But seriously, can the strategy work? Is making a hit record really as easy as being really, really, really easy?
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Looks like it.

"3" has entered Billboard magazine's Hot 100 on top of the chart, making it the first recording NOT featuring an American Idol finalist to achieve #1 in its first week since 1998 ("Doo Wop (That Thing)" by Lauryn Hill, whose CD The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill swept the Grammy Awards).

All this despite the fact that "3" is a crappy record. Even for you.

God only knows what the video will look like.

P.S. to Chris Crocker: No, I won't. Deal with it.

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MEMO TO S.F. CHRONICLE'S CARLA MARINUCCI: YOU LIE!

The following is my reaction to San Francisco Chronicle writer Carla Marinucci's whitewashing of that profane outburst against Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger (RINO-California) by California State Assemblyman (and former stand-up comedian) Tom Ammiano (D-San Francisco), a flamboyant homosexual.

The original comment can be found here, if it hasn't yet been deleted by a Chron moderator (who have in the past abused their own TOS to delete posts critical of reporters).

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Carla, Carla, Carla, you're a liar.

How dare you call yourself a legitimate journalist and pretend that Tom Ammiano said something as benign as "Kiss my gay ass" when in fact, he said "Kiss my f*ggot ass." Twice. And then he took the podium and dropped the f-bomb. Twice. You didn't even mention that part.

This is how stupid you think your readers are, Carla: You posted the video on your blog that proves you're a liar! You obviously thought nobody would think to click on it and listen (or at the least READ THE CAPTION)!




BTW, don't try to tell us that you couldn't publish the word "f*ggot" in the Chron -- back in March 2007, when Ann Coulter used the slur to make an unfunny joke about Democrat Presidential candidate John Edwards, the word was printed in full. Here's a link to such a story, this one written by a Chron writer you might be familiar with: "Carla Marinucci."

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2007/03/05/BAGUHOFHC01.DTL



Even worse than lying about what was said is the way you spin it as a tee-hee-hee lighthearted only-in-San Francisco incident: "Looks like a good time was had by all." Yeah, right -- I'm sure you would have been just fine with a South Carolina newspaper laughing off Joe Wilson's "You lie!" shout like that.

Leftitorialists all over the nation were ascribing Wilson's rude outburst to racism and his Southern heritage. Would it be fair, then, to suggest Ammiano was motivated by a desire to systematically destroy the nuclear family?

The NY Times' Maureen Dowd wrote that she "heard" Wilson call Obama "boy." You, Carla, want us to believe you DIDN'T hear Ammiano say "f*ggot." I think you both should either get cochlear implants, or better yet, start only writing about what you actually hear, not what you *wish* you heard!

INDOCTR-O-NATION CONTINUES IN PUBLIC SCHOOLS - Another Pro-Bama Children's Hymn Revealed

Brian Griffith of Red Maryland has revealed how a Columbia, MD public elementary school had children sing one of those paeans to the greatness of Barack Obama. In response to the revelation, Patti Caplan -- a spokesperson from the school district of Howard County, MD -- issued a terse statement criticizing an unnamed parent for publicly distributing the lyrics of the song, and refused to address criticism of the song as "worshipful" to Obama:

The Howard County Public School System respects the right of individuals to disagree with the words of the song and/or even the use of the song in this context. However, the idea that a public school system would have a “policy” to force students to “worship” the President is so ludicrous it deserves no response.

Oh, it deserves a response. Ms. Caplan only says that it doesn't because she can't possibly provide a response that doesn't lead to more questions.

For example: Caplan asserted earlier in her statement "The focus of the lesson was on the children and positive behavior, not the President. There was no intention or attempt to glorify or worship the President."

Uh huh.

Here's a sample of the lyrics to this song:

"Barack Obama--Oh yes he rates,
The first Black President in the United States!
He's smart and he's--so so good!
He'll lead this country as he should!
He wants us all to work together,
To make this country even better!
Prez' Obama says--'Yes We Can!'
Make the US better--hand in hand!"

It apparently never occurred to the educators involved in approving this song that perhaps the parents of Longfellow Elementary students voted for John McCain, and don't share their enthusiasm for Obama's leadership. Well, they should have; Howard County election records show that of the 667 votes cast at the school on election night 2008, 166 were for the McCain/Palin ticket. At least 24.92% of the people who walked through the doors of Longfellow on election night -- that's nearly one-fourth, for you poor math students -- didn't vote for Obama. Nobody thought that some of those voters might have been parents of Longfellow pupils?

Perhaps the people who conceived of the song just didn't care what the parents think, or thought they could just get away with it because what happens in the classroom usually stays in the classroom. It's not without precedent. On October 9, 2003, the Wall Street Journal's James Taranto made note of an unintended glimpse into the ways some teachers introduce unsuspecting children to agitprop. The October 2003 issue of the journal Teacher described this scene at the U.S. Institute of Peace after a speech by pacifist educator Colman McCarthy to an audience of teachers (bold and emphasis mine):

McCarthy reluctantly wrapped up his speech at the 45-minute mark and was mobbed by several teachers who wanted to buy his books. Another group gathered in the back of the room to discuss what they'd just heard. While agreeing that McCarthy's in-your-face comments wouldn't fly with most school boards or parents, they excitedly talked about how radical pacifist ideas could enliven their own classes.

An elegant-looking teacher in her 40s wandered up and joined the conversation. The truth, she said conspiratorially, is that when you close your classroom door, you're in charge and there's a lot you can get away with. The others nodded in agreement.

Suddenly, the teacher registered with alarm that a reporter's tape recorder was running. She declared that her comments were off the record and abruptly walked away from the group. Reconsidering their candor, one by one other teachers in the circle requested that their comments, too, be considered off the record. Peace may have a chance in America's schools. But at least for now, the revolution will not be broadcast.

Once again, Taranto's chronicling of this attitude (which was not a surprise to many of us) was five years ago Friday. A lot has changed in those five years -- Obama was on nobody's radar back then, and now he's The Leader of The Free World. Maybe the broadcast of a revolution is in the works as we speak.

LETTERMAN'S OFFICE SQUEEZE ISN'T FUNNY EITHER - To Dave, She's a Thriller; To Me, She's a Show-Killer (VIDEOS UPDATED!)

Details are emerging about David Letterman's sexcapades with women in his employ other than his acknowledged longtime girlfriend Regina Lasko, mother of his now five-year-old son Harry.

CBS News producer Robert J. "Joe" Halderman, the man who was arrested for allegedly attempting to extort $2,000,000 out of Letterman by threatening to write a screenplay detailing uncomfortable aspects of Dave's dalliances, is a former boyfriend of Stephanie Birkett, a former Letterman personal assistant.


I have already gone on record as saying that after watching Letterman going back to my days working graveyard in the eighties, I gave up on him and his show after he became more focused on persecuting George W. Bush than being funny. As things deteriorated to that point, Late Show fans were introduced to Ms. Birkett in an unbelievably lame weekly segment called "Know Your Current Events." The premise: Members of the audience are selected to pretend they know the answer to unknowable questions on the index cards Dave has in his hand. In fact, the guests are simply reading (off camera) the punchlines Dave's writers have provided. Bringing prizes when the attendees correctly answered was Birkett, who would give her best shot at acting, failing miserably every time.

Here is a video of one of Birkett's appearances in "Current Events" circa 2005 via YouTube (It's subtitled by the YT user in Norwegian, or something):





Here's another example of Birkett's show-killing skills, as she re-enacts an embarrassing dance an old college boyfriend of hers used to do. This just cracks Dave up to no end, and he scuttles the planned gag ("Would You Like To [ahem] Eat a Sandwich In Dave's Office?") so viewers can be treated to Birkett and other Late Show regulars imitating her monkey-dancing ex ... again and again and again.

(NOTE: The original clip of this scene -- which ran over five minutes at least -- was deleted from YouTube due to a copyright claim by CBS. Below is a shorter video of the failed bit, still online as of June 3, 2011.)





On the right of the screen is Dr. Louis Aronne, whom Letterman credits with having saved his life by recognizing in him the hereditary heart condition that killed his father at an early age (Letterman has now lived longer than his father had). Within days, Dave had emergency bypass surgery, which sidelined him for weeks in 1999. It's only fitting that Birkett be alongside Dr. Aronne because she is about as funny as a heart attack.

It wasn't always like this with Letterman. Back in his NBC days, he pioneered the formula: Find non-professionals and/or crew members with no training as performers (at least, none discernible), give them the opportunity to make fools of themselves, and enjoy the results. Just thinking about the past work of Dave's stage manager Biff Henderson and associate director Pete "Who Gives a Rat's ..." Fatovich gives me the chuckles. Of course, the anti-superstar of Letterman's early years was the late Calvert DeForest (aka Larry "Bud" Melman), the bespectacled, elderly, pudgy drug counselor whose appearance in a short student film led to an acting career -- sort of -- in his twilight years.







Beating Letterman at his own game nowadays is Jimmy Kimmel, whose Jimmy Kimmel Live! show makes great use of the broken English of Guillermo Diaz, his lovably dorky Mexican parking lot attendant. Unlike many professional comedians nowadays (hello, Jay Leno), Guillermo is unafraid to go to great lengths for a laugh, always up for dressing in outlandish costumes or in drag.





But even Guillermo pales before Kimmel's real-life uncle, former NYPD officer Frank Potenza, who may be the unintentionally funniest man alive.




I am sure many who find Birkett uninspiring (to say the least) might be tempted to say something along the lines of "We know how she got to be on TV," and I can't argue that it's an unfair question. But the possibility that human Clinton-joke factory Letterman has a casting couch somewhere in the Ed Sullivan Theatre is not as big a deal to me as his apparent decision years ago that his personal satisfaction is more important than the quality of his product. In other words, Dave has shown contempt for his audience: I'll plop anything on a plate, call it "comedy," and you dummies will lap it up because it has my name on it.

It is that attitude has led to the rapid cooling-off of many a hot comedian (Jerry Lewis, Chevy Chase, Keenan Ivory Wayans, Jim Carrey, Robin Williams, etc.) It is yet to be seen if a sexy scandal (as opposed to a full-fledged Woody Allen-like sex scandal) can fell a funnyman in post-Polanski Hollywood.



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P.S. For all the praise Dave has lavished on his glamorous female guests over the decades, it's seems that in real life, he tends to prefer his women (Merrill Markoe, Regina Lasko, Birkitt) to be on the plain side. FWIW.

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